Tentative Title: The Life of a Hacker Troll

Tentative Title: The Life of a Hacker Troll

By Christopher Brown

Have you ever had one of those afternoons when the world came to a blistering halt, and your thoughts centered on the pitifulness of your existence?

Welcome to the story of my life.

I'm a troll.

I know what you all must be thinking—“Well, there are worse things than being an Internet troll... unless the person is a network administrator, then it's just awesome sauce!“

No, I'm not an Internet troll—at least, no more than the average Internet user. No, I'm a real troll. You know the kind you read about in fairy tales, fantasy novels, or Internet yaoi fanfics of World of Warcraft. [Don't ask me where that last part came from... I was on 4Chan last night. I am still reeling from the experience. I used up my last bottle of mind-bleach last week when some genius posted a nude photograph of the Queen of England holding the Union Jack while banging a horse. Who comes up with this stuff? Seriously! I guess that's the advantage of being a magical creature, we actually have real mind-bleach!]

[Now, where was I...? Right!]

I'm a troll. Well, a quarter-troll to be exact. My mother, apparently, used makeup for years to cover her green complexion. Dad eventually found out, but being a total nerd, he thought it was the most awesome thing ever!

To make a long-story (one that involves a lot of D&D references, most of which I am unfamiliar with) brief, let's just say that a geek/nerd/otaku found his fantasy dream girl in a half-troll Zelda fan from Montana; they've been making sweet music together while kicking dragon ass ever since. And, as I should mention it, the dragon ass was real!

As for me... I'm a quarter-troll hacker who lives somewhere in the US. I won't say exactly, because then I would be giving away too much information and ruin the mystery and suspense of my story.

To be honest, I'm just lazy, like where I live, and don't want to move again... I'm a member of Anonymous [the group commonly associated with tea-bagging the church of Scientology, terrorizing third-world dictatorships, and our continued alliance with Occupy Wall Street (and the Occupy movement in general)]. As a result of that fruitful association and its sometimes annoying downsides, I have to keep my physical location a secret to avoid every Federal, state, and local agency swooping down on my little “residence” and having their merry old way with me. Worst of all, if they actually found out I was a troll, and not the kind that likes to watch grown men and women descend into stuttering, muttering, imbeciles¹, running about , . I figured no one would believe an author telling eir audience that e was a troll (or any magical creature for that matter), but indicating your hacker prowess and membership to the body “threatening” the elites' “national security” would wind me up on ever tracker database in existence. Do you know how much magical energy it takes to wipe every database on Earth of your identity? It takes FOREVER!

[To my editors (respectfully): Before you pull out that red ink pen, holstered in your front shirt pocket like some 1950's western hero, and start flooding my copy with “helpful suggestions” like a pedantic high school freshman English teacher, who believes e is the last vanguard of English rhetorical law—the only thing standing between the downfall of civilization and moral propriety—NEWSFLASH! Linguistics of the Enlightenment was falsified in the 19^th and 20^th centuries! Get with the times! As it pertains to 'eir', 'em', 'e', 'eirs' and 'emself ', do yourself, my readers, and I a huge personal favor and search Google (or the search engine of your choice) for the “Spivak pronoun”. You'll amaze yourself at what you will find. I did.]

1To my readers: When you read words like “stupid”, “dumb”, “moronic”, and “imbecile” in my book, attribute their use to Neil Postman's Crazy Talk, Stupid Talk: How We Defeat Ourselves by the Way We Talk and What to Do About It, Alfred Korzybski's Science and Sanity: An Introduction to Non-Aristotelian Systems and General Semantics, S. I. Hayakawa's Language in Thought and Action, Wendell Johnson's People in Quandaries: The Semantics of Personal Adjustment and his Living With Change: The Semantics of Coping, and others of their like and kind. I use these words not to indicate the physical intelligence capacity of the individual (for I believe true intelligence is nay impossible to detect—for we know so little of the human mind—irrespective of what scientists would like you to believe), but instead I use these to indicate the self-defeating, irrational, or otherwise destructive thought patterns these individuals are committing. I am not implying anything beyond this.